Dear Mom,Posted: May 12, 2010
It’s been twenty years – TWENTY YEARS – since you left this earth. It’s been on my mind a lot lately, moreso than usual. I wonder all the time how my life would be different if you were still here, in fact, I was just talking about this last night with my husband.
Yes, my husband. I was nowhere near marriage age the last time I saw you – only 12! I know that you would love Kevin. We’ve been together for 13 years and married for almost 6. Our wedding day was difficult for me, for dad, and for everyone. Almost everyone there knew you and wished that you could have been there. I would have given anything in the world to have you there on that day. Luckily, I had a few substitute “moms” that helped me with everything.
These substitute moms were/are my co-workers. On a daily basis, they fill in as moms for me regarding recipes, relationships, venting – anything at all. I am so lucky to have all of them to talk to, to give me hugs (yes, even in this day of HR “no touching”, I get hugs). I’ve been with some of these ladies for 15 years, since I was fresh out of high school. I never thought I’d be working there this long, but that’s just what happened. Some days I hate my job, but then I remember that I am there because I love my co-workers and they are worth the crappy customers we have occasionally. You would love Ann, she is the best boss in the world, and she is probably the closest thing I have to a mom on this earth. She refers to me as her 3rd daughter. I love her.
Dad is doing great. He’s been through a lot the past few years, but we’ve got him healthy now. I’m sure you saw us at our worst (my teen years – ugh!) well guess what – now I consider him one of my best friends. It’s so strange how parent/child relationships change over time. Speaking of relationships, guess who my other 2 best friends are? Whitney and Ryan.
Whitney met her husband right around the same time I met mine, and because those two got along so well, Whitney and I figured we might as well start liking each other too. She is my very best friend, and there is no one I would rather spend a Sunday with. Chris was a cowboy when he and Whitney met – he is definitely not one anymore. He’s a hard worker and because of that, Whitney is going to get to be a stay-at-home mom starting in June!
Whitney had a baby boy on April 6, 2007. I don’t remember life before Logan, or at least I choose not to! He is the light of our lives. He has turned Dad into a total softie/pushover (Yeah, DAD a pushover – imagine that!). He is the smartest, sweetest little boy and we all love him more than anything in the world. (PS: Could you please tell Whitney that Kevin and I REALLY, REALLY want to take Logan to Austin for an aunt/uncle/nephew trip? She says she’s not ready for that, but I think she would like a break!).
Ryan is a workaholic. He went to A&M, was extremely involved in several activities, and took his sweet time getting out – but that’s okay. We didn’t get along until he moved to College Station. He loves hanging out with the family (we usually do this every weekend) and Logan LOVES his Uncle Ryan. Logan is a miniature version of Ryan, even down to the pouting face. It’s ridiculous.
Now that you’re caught up – here are some things that have been on my mind.
If you were still here, I would probably have a kid (or kids) simply because I know you would be an awesome grandmother. I feel like I raised Whitney and Ryan, and that was enough for me. Maybe that sounds selfish, and most people don’t understand it, but most people haven’t been through the death of a parent at such a young age. As I get older, I realize more and more how this affects me. Maybe I never really wanted kids, I don’t know, but kids are not in the cards for Kevin and I. We’ve got Logan, and he is more than enough. My mother-in-law is currently not too happy with us, but I don’t feel like I need to explain to her why we have decided not to have kids. Kevin had a talk with her, and that is enough. She will eventually be okay with it, but right now she isn’t – which adds more stress and guilt to my life.
I often wonder what it would be like to have a mom at age 32. Would you push me to have kids? I don’t think so. Would we get along? Would we spend every weekend shopping, cooking, doing mom/daughter things? I sure hope so.
I think you would be proud of all of us and what we have made of our lives. I miss you every single day, and wish like crazy that you were here. I never got to be your friend, only your snotty preteen daughter. I wish that we had had the past twenty years together. I know that we would be the best of friends. I love you.
Heather (your crying mess of a daughter)